Posts

What Does it Take to Succeed in Divorce Mediation?

In our last post we talked about how to wrap up a court case after reaching an agreement in mediation. Today we will look at which divorcing couples can use mediation successfully and which couples should think twice before choosing the process. Read more

How to Conclude a Divorce after Mediation

Many people are uncertain about how to wrap up their divorce after going through the mediation process. Couples who go to mediation can often avoid ever appearing in court. They still, however, must complete all of the basic paperwork required to legally finalize a divorce. Today we will walk through the steps of concluding a New Jersey  divorce after mediation.

In our last post, we talked about the Memorandum of Understanding (MOU). This is a document that includes all the agreements you reach in mediation. The MOU forms the outline for your final Marital Settlement Agreement (MSA).

Marital Settlement Agreements

Most couples who are ready to finalize their divorce ask the consulting attorney for one of the spouses to put their MOU into the form of a Marital Settlement Agreement (MSA). The attorney for the other spouse then reviews the MSA to ensure that it complies with the MOU and contains all necessary legal clauses. Both parties must then sign the MSA, have it notarized, and file it in court. The court will review the MSA and turn it into a consent order controlling the outcome of your divorce. Court review at this stage is superficial. You must be certain that your MSA includes everything you need it to include before submitting it to the court.

If neither of you has filed for divorce yet, either before or during mediation, you can submit your paperwork and your MSA to the court at the same time and request an uncontested divorce. You will also need to file whatever other documents the court requires to conclude the case, such as a proposed final divorce judgment.

Divorce on the Papers

At one point, concluding a New Jersey divorce required a brief court appearance where the parties would answer some basic questions in person before the judge. In most cases of uncontested divorce, this is no longer the case. Judges in some counties have been granting final divorces without court appearances (known as a divorce on the papers) for several years. The courts extended this policy in 2020 due to the court closures that occurred during the pandemic. This expansion generally remains in place. Currently, parties can obtain a New Jersey divorce or dissolution of a marriage, civil union, or domestic partnership, or an annulment, without a court appearance where there are no additional requests for relief or outstanding issues for the court to resolve and either of  the  following circumstances exists:

  • the filing spouse has given proper notice of filing the divorce complaint to the other spouse and is requesting a default judgment due to the other spouse’s failure to respond, or
  • both spouses agree on all issues and are requesting an uncontested divorce with a signed MSA, or a continuation of final orders entered in other proceedings that resolve all issues of equitable distribution, custody, parenting time, and child support.

A no-appearance divorce is not automatic. You must request it in writing. After you submit your paperwork, court staff will review it and notify you of anything that is incorrect or incomplete. You will have 10 days to make corrections. If you do not meet that timeframe, the court will schedule a hearing.

Judgment of Divorce

Once your paperwork is in order, court staff will send it to a judge within 5 days. The judge will review it, and if it is satisfactory will issue a judgment of divorce or dissolution. The court will mail the judgment to the plaintiff or the plaintiff’s attorney who will then serve it on the defendant or the defendant’s attorney.

This is just a general outline of the procedure. Be sure to check with your attorney or the court to be sure that you have complied with all requirements. A no appearance divorce can help make the mediation process smooth and easy.

Next month we will talk about who can use mediation successfully and who should think twice about choosing the process. Meanwhile, if you want to know more about any aspect of mediation, or if you are ready to start mediation, contact one of our experienced mediators today.

 

 

How Mediation Can Change Contested Divorce into Uncontested Divorce

This month we are continuing our series on using mediation to avoid divorce court backlogs. Today we will talk about how mediation can move couples toward uncontested divorce and why that is often the best way to proceed. First, let’s look at the differences between uncontested and contested divorce: Read more

How Mediation Differs from Litigation

Welcome to the second topic in our new series about using mediation to avoid divorce court backlogs. Last month we started with an overview of exactly what divorce mediation is.  Today we will talk about the main differences between mediation and litigation. This information will help you understand why it makes sense for most divorcing couples to use mediation at some point during their divorce. Read more

May the Holidays Bring You Light and Hope

Once again, winter is here. The days have grown short, and the nights are cold. While most of us look forward to the light and cheer of the holidays, for those going through a divorce, light and cheer can feel like scarce commodities. Some people find themselves alone for the first time in years. Others have young children at home but struggle with figuring out how to afford the usual gifts and activities. If this sounds like you, remember that you are in the worst of it right now and better days are ahead. Read more

Scary Behavior in Divorce Mediation

divorce mediation horror stories

If you have read this blog before, you know that as a rule, we strongly encourage divorcing couples to resolve their disputes through mediation. Given our strong support of the process, you may be wondering if we ever think it is not a good idea to engage in mediation. Well, the sad answer is yes. There are cases where one or both spouses show such scary behavior that mediation is not possible.

While virtually no one is always on their best behavior during a divorce, if certain negative personality traits take over, it can make things especially difficult. This does not mean that people who demonstrate such personality traits can never engage in successful mediation, but it does mean that if you spot these traits—either in your spouse or in yourself—there is reason to proceed with caution.

In honor of October, here are a few of the scary characteristics that can derail divorce mediation:

Dishonesty

Ideally, you will go into divorce mediation trusting your spouse 100%. Although this ideal is extremely rare in divorce, you must at least trust your spouse to be financially honest. Spouses – even divorcing spouses – are bound by law to be honest with each other about their income, their assets, and their financial obligations. To help keep the parties on track in divorce mediation, they sign a participation agreement pledging honesty during the proceedings. If either party violates this agreement, it can be difficult to repair trust and move forward.

Vindictiveness

Vindictive spouses are out for revenge. They are not interested in mutually beneficial solutions but instead feel the need to win at all costs. Successful mediation is built on the idea that both parties are pursuing a fair resolution. If you believe that your spouse would rather burn everything down than concede anything, mediation will be challenging.

Narcissism

If your spouse seems to lack empathy and yet still manages to come across as somewhat charming, you may be dealing with a narcissist. Narcissists think they are special. They want to be the center of attention and do not consider other people’s needs to be as important as their own. They may take positions aimed at making themselves look better, such as insisting on primary or joint custody just to look like a good parent, rather than out of a true desire to be a good parent. Successful mediation requires a commitment to reaching a fair resolution, so someone who is continually trying to manipulate things to be heavily weighted toward their own needs will not be easy to work with.

Borderline Behavior

A person suffering with borderline personality disorder is terrified of abandonment and yet often pushes people away first to avoid being left. If your spouse vacillates between putting you on a pedestal and treating you like trash, you might be looking at some borderline traits. Life with someone like this is an emotional rollercoaster and trying to mediate with them will be no different. In fact, it may well be worse, as divorce will trigger all their deepest fears. A person who fears being abandoned by everyone, including their own children, may engage in manipulative tactics in a frantic effort to avoid this.

High Anxiety

People with high anxiety often have trouble letting go of perfectionism. This can translate into difficulty with compromise. The anxious person does not mean to be unreasonable but may be unable to manage the overwhelming fear that certain scenarios stir up. For example, they may be terrified at the thought of running out of money or of losing their home and having to move. Anxiety often spikes especially high around parenting issues. A highly anxious parent may be afraid to leave their children alone with the other parent, even if that parent is a perfectly competent caregiver. This can lead to an insistence on primary custody and an effort to control the rules and environment in the other parent’s home.

Negative Traits and Scary Behavior in Divorce

We all have personalities that include both positive and negative traits. Divorce can bring our worst traits to the forefront, which can lead to scary behavior that may stymie mediation. Hiding information, unfairly blaming the other party for everything that has gone wrong, using the kids as weapons, and trying to manipulate the other party with extreme emotional reactions, such as yelling, sobbing, or making threats, are all forms of bad behavior.

Since October is not just the scary month, but also National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, it is important to point out that the ultimate form of bad behavior is domestic violence or abuse. If you have any question about whether your spouse’s behavior is veering into this kind of territory, take a look at this post for guidance on exactly what domestic violence is and when it should (or should not) make mediation completely out of the question.

What about the other types of scary behavior? If you have identified your spouse in any of the profiles above, you may have a new understanding of where their behavior is coming from. But what can you do with this information? Does it completely rule out mediation? What can you do to move forward, and how can you know when it is time to move to litigation?

In most cases, there is a lot you can do. Come back next month for some details. Meanwhile, do not let yourself be scared off by this post! In the vast majority of cases, divorce mediation offers a host of benefits when compared to litigation. These potential benefits include cost savings, improved privacy, and generally lower levels of conflict.

If you and your spouse are interested in talking to an experienced divorce mediator, contact us today for an initial consultation.

Benefits of Mediation for Divorce

Benefits of mediation

Happy New Year! We hope you have had a chance to rest, recharge, and prepare for whatever is to come in 2023. If one of those things is divorce, we also hope you took our suggestions last month about New Year’s resolutions. Read more

Divorce Processes: Litigation, Mediation and Collaborative Divorce

Divorce processes

If you have been thinking about divorce, or you are somewhere in the process of divorce already, the beginning of a new year is a great time to move things forward. Maybe you are wondering about mediation and want to know if it is a good option for you, but you are still not clear on how exactly it differs from other divorce processes. Read more

Domestic Violence and Mediating Divorce or Parenting Disputes

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month – a good time to review exactly what domestic violence (DV) is, how to recognize warning signs, and when couples with a history of DV may want to consider divorce mediation. Violence between romantic partners is also sometimes called intimate partner violence (IPV). This term can be more specific than domestic violence, which technically refers to violence between any household members. The term “violence” is also sometimes used as a catch-all to refer not only to physical violence, but also to psychological manipulation and abuse. The latter can be much more difficult to recognize than physical violence. Read more

How to Benefit from Brainstorming in Divorce Mediation

Today we will revisit the concept of “brainstorming” in divorce mediation and examine the conditions that support productive brainstorming sessions.  To “brainstorm” is to throw every possible solution to a problem at the wall (or at least onto a whiteboard) and see what sticks. This requires adopting a “no idea is a stupid idea” mindset. Even ideas with no chance of success sometimes contain the seed of an idea that will be very successful. Read more